Thursday, July 24, 2008

Really Back Again...

I know, I know...I've been flaking again on my blogging. To all you other guys that keep up on yours regularly, my hat is off to you! Hopefully everyone is enjoying their summer. It has been 100 degrees or more almost every day where I live, which sucks. What I would give to live somewhere like San Diego! Maybe one day after I graduate and have real money. Until then, I am enjoying things with my man. I love Chris to pieces and am so grateful to have him in my life. Chris had applied to the three California State Universities closest to our hometown, but I managed to convince him to accept an offer at the one I attend :) That's the good news. Now for the not no good news. Yesterday, Chris said we needed to talk. Of course that serious tone made me nervous. Was he going to dump me or something? There were some crazy thoughts going on in my insecure mind. Chris basically wanted to know if it was cool with me to keep our relationship on the down low for another 4 years. He said that his parents were going to pay his college expenses, but he knows that if his parents catch on that he is with a guy, they would pull their funding and he would be on his own. He is not exaggerating things...his parents, especially his father are total homophobes. Chris says he loves me and doesn't want things to change between us. But if his parents don't pay for his college, he has no way to himself unless he takes out massive student loans. I told him that I could live with things as, and I meant it, but a part of me is feeling a little hurt. It might sound selfish of my part, but I was really hoping that we could be 100% open by now, and to hell with what anyone thinks. If I could, I would totally pay for his college, but I have hard enough of a time taking care of my school expenses, and that's just part time. I mean how can I ask Chris to fore go his chance at an education just so I can say we are no longer on the down low anymore. I am not really in a position to preach to someone about coming out since I lied to myself and family for a long time...even getting married. I guess the important thing is that we can still be together. That's my rant for the week.

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