Happy Holidays!

Bad habits die hard, and I am already getting a bit flaky on the blog thing. Hey, but at least I am getting one in before Christmas! Chris and I will spend the holiday with our respective families, then meet up later on. It kind of sucks that we can't do both houses together, but at least we will have some time. I had a heck of a time trying to figure out what to get my man for a present. But a few days ago after hearing him curse at his cheap MP3 player for the umpteenth time, the light went on in my head. I went out and got him an Apple I-Pod Touch. A bit pricey, but that thing is awesome, and I never realized all that it could do. I thought it was just fun and games, but it is a lot more. Now I want my own! Last week we had a nice snow here in the Antelope Valley...about 8" or so. It's all but melted now, and the forecast for Thursday is rain. So much for a white Christmas. I look forward to 2009 with anticipation. I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday!

Back From The Dead

Hello to those of you that might have wondered where the heck I've been lately. I admit I got so caught up with school, work, and of course, the boyfriend, that my dedication to maintaining a blog went out the window. I just finished the winter quarter at my school and am now on holiday break until early January. I look forward to spending a cozy Christmas and New Year's with Chris, who I am still so madly in love with. Things have been going pretty well with us. Every once in a while, I get a little annoyed that we have to keep our relationship on the down low, but I know it's not forever...just until my man finishes school. Anyone catch the Tonight Show last night? That Wanda Sykes is a riot and a half. Then after her, Michael Phelps was the next guest. He actually was kind of funny himself and is definitely getting better at interviewing. He may be a little dorky looking...but damn...that body of his. He can swim in our pool anytime! Well, that's all for now folks. My goal is to post a new blog at least once a week.

Really Back Again...

I know, I know...I've been flaking again on my blogging. To all you other guys that keep up on yours regularly, my hat is off to you! Hopefully everyone is enjoying their summer. It has been 100 degrees or more almost every day where I live, which sucks. What I would give to live somewhere like San Diego! Maybe one day after I graduate and have real money. Until then, I am enjoying things with my man. I love Chris to pieces and am so grateful to have him in my life. Chris had applied to the three California State Universities closest to our hometown, but I managed to convince him to accept an offer at the one I attend :) That's the good news. Now for the not no good news. Yesterday, Chris said we needed to talk. Of course that serious tone made me nervous. Was he going to dump me or something? There were some crazy thoughts going on in my insecure mind. Chris basically wanted to know if it was cool with me to keep our relationship on the down low for another 4 years. He said that his parents were going to pay his college expenses, but he knows that if his parents catch on that he is with a guy, they would pull their funding and he would be on his own. He is not exaggerating things...his parents, especially his father are total homophobes. Chris says he loves me and doesn't want things to change between us. But if his parents don't pay for his college, he has no way to himself unless he takes out massive student loans. I told him that I could live with things as, and I meant it, but a part of me is feeling a little hurt. It might sound selfish of my part, but I was really hoping that we could be 100% open by now, and to hell with what anyone thinks. If I could, I would totally pay for his college, but I have hard enough of a time taking care of my school expenses, and that's just part time. I mean how can I ask Chris to fore go his chance at an education just so I can say we are no longer on the down low anymore. I am not really in a position to preach to someone about coming out since I lied to myself and family for a long time...even getting married. I guess the important thing is that we can still be together. That's my rant for the week.

Back Again...

After a much too long absence and a 'gentle' reminder from my friend Paul, I am trying to get back to blogging. Part of my absence was because school and work are taking up lots of my time. I so can't wait for the quarter to end next week. On a personal front things are much calmer, thank goodness. My psycho ex boyfriend has finally left me alone, so the drama is finally gone. Good thing because for a while it was really wearing on me...and Chris too. Speaking of Chris, things are going well for us. We are spending much of our free time together, which I am thoroughly enjoying. Not only are we very good together in bed, but also have become best friends. The only downside I guess is that we haven't officially called labeled ourselves as boyfriends or said we're dating. Last time we kind of talked about things a while back, Chris said he was bi. Sometimes I wonder if he said that because that is easier to admit than saying you are outright gay. I know, because I went through the same thing in my younger years. Oh the joy of coming out of the closet! It doesn't help that is parents are homophobes, so of course we are always on the down low. I can live with that for now. He is only 18 and can't afford to alienate the folks right now. So for now I am just enjoying the time we have now and being cautiously optimistic. Hopefully all will work out...

I'm Back Finally...

After falling into old lazy habits recently, I am back to blogging again. As usual, I am keeping plenty busy with school and work. Due to California's budget crisis, there is some serious talk about CSU fees going up yet again! Financial aid is supposed to be increased as well, but who knows. The dream of a college education is slipping further and further away from the poor folk like me. I will hang in there as long as I can because I want to finally be done with school after all these years. On a personal front, my ex Bobby is becoming a big pain in my ass. Recently, he saw Chris and I at the gym, and figured out that this was the guy I was playing with. Even though Chris and I play it real cool in public, I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see attraction. Bobby called me later and asked if I cheated on him with Chris while we were together. I told him not that it really mattered now, but I didn't do anything with Chris until after we broke up. Bobby then bluntly asked if I told Chris about my past STD incident. I told him to stay the f@ck out of my business and hung up the phone. Though he didn't really say it, I know he was totally implying that he might tell Chris just to be a spiteful prick. I don't know what the hell is up with Bobby. If he doesn't want me, fine, let it go and move on. He is not happy, so I guess I don't deserve to be happy myself. I sometimes really think he needs some professional help! Now I am thinking I need to be proactive with Chris. Even though we are still in a NSA relationship, we are still friends at the very least. I think if Bobby goes to Chris spouting off crap, it would probably freak him out. I plan to get tested again and get printed results. Then I will sit Chris down, tell him about my past, show that I am clean now, and that my psycho ex is on the rampage. So much drama to go through, but at least if I am forthcoming with Chris, Bobby has nothing to threaten me with. Are there other guys out there like me that have exes that just won't go away? If so, I am open to suggestions. Peace.

I'm Still Living The Single Life...

Well, I am back to school again this week. Boy that week off sure flew by! Bobby came over to my place Saturday afternoon so we could talk about things. I was still kind of in a state of shock from our last meeting. So we are on the couch talking about our feelings when he tells me how much he has missed me both in and out of bed, then proceeds to kiss me. Things start getting a little heated as he starts to undress me. I really wanted it, but I shocked myself and abruptly stopped things before they got to the point of no return. I was proud of myself as I thought with my big head instead of the little one lol. Seriously, it would have been so easy to sleep with Bobby but that wouldn't have solved anything except my horniness. I told Bobby that we needed to resolve things first and foremost. As we are talking, he tells me that he has thought of no one but me, etc and that he hasn't dated anyone. He then asked about me. I told him that I had messed around with one guy (Chris) since we broke up. If you could have seen the look on his face. All of sudden Bobby got a big attitude and asked how the hell I could get with another guy if I loved him...bla bla bla. WTF!?! I got all in his face and reminded him that HE broke up with me. We weren't on break or in a fight...he completely and totally ended things. Was I suppose to wait around and hope one day he would come back for me? That did it for me. I asked him to leave. His last words were "I thought I knew you better. I guess I was wrong about you." Whatever. How could he act like I did something wrong? After he left I was so angry, but ended up having a good cry. I know this guy has too many issues and is full of drama, but it still hurt me. I did love him and will miss what we had, but I need to be strong and move on. That was my weekend.

Spring Break Drama

Lately I feel like I am living in a soap opera or something. This week I am on Spring Break from school, so I finally have some free time! Last night, my boy toy / friend Chris came over to my place after the gym. He told me that he was horny as hell and wanted to play again, so of course I was happy to oblige. We were in the middle of some hot fun when my cell phone rang. Naturally I ignored it as I was pre-occupied with other things. Chris and I still haven't "gone all the way" yet, but damn, being in bed with him is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly hot. Anyhow, after the 2-man party ended and Chris left, I checked my voice mail message. It was Bobby, my ex...the guy that I have not spoken to since being so unceremoniously dumped. In the message, he said that he wanted to come over and talk and that it was real important. My mind was racing. What on earth could he possibly want after all this time? Do I just ignore him or what? My curiousity got the better of me, so I sent him a text message and told him to come over to tell me what he had to say. By this time, I felt so many things...curiousity, anxiety, nervousness, and anger all at the same time. He arrived to my place about a half hour after I sent him the text. We sit down on the couch and he just starts crying like crazy. I ask him what's wrong and he told me that him leaving me was the stupidest thing he has ever done and that he misses me so much and wants me back. WTF!?!? I was in total shock, but I finally asked him how he could end our relationship so abruptly and coldly the way he did? I told Bobby that he really hurt me bad when he acted like I was yesterdays garbage when I was honest about my past. He told me that when he broke up with me, it wasn't because of me or what I did, but rather because of his own personal issues. Bobby said that his family was totally against him "choosing" to be gay and he got lots of pressure and threats of disownment if he didn't clean up his act as they put it. He moved out of his parents house and is now staying with a co-worker friend of his. With tears in his eyes still, Bobby said he wanted a second chance with me. As one could imagine, I didn't know what to think or how to act. He grabbed my hand and said he would wait for as long as I needed him to. As we walked to the door, he told me that he loved me, and kissed me on the lips, and I admit I didn't push him away. I told him that I needed time to absorb all that had happened. I feel so torn now and don't know what to do. This guy was a total jerk to me, yet I still care for him. He was my first serious relationship after my marriage ended. I've got lots of thinking to do...

I Don't Get Men Sometimes?!

I haven't had any more physical encounters with my boy toy Chris, but we still seem cool for the most part, at least at the gym. We haven't hung out much outside the gym though. He really hasn't mentioned our "exploration" at all lately. Not that I expect that topic to dominate our conversations, but I am wondering what he is thinking. I know that anything we do behind closed doors has to be hush hush, but it's not like I am going to talk about getting naked with him in the middle of a Starbucks or something. Chris really is cool and I do know that he honestly enjoyed what we did that night (that's pretty hard to fake), but I kind of feel that he thinks that if he spends too much time with me that people might...gasp...think he's gay or something. Chris did tell me shortly after that night that he considered himself bi since he's attracted to both sexes. I am definitely not looking to dive into a relationship right now, but I don't feel the need to be sneaking around anymore like I am back in the closet. Can't two guys hang out as friends? I am trying to be respectful to Chris' feelings, but I feel a bit conflicted. Most of my online friends say that bi guys are often head cases and that I should avoid the situation all together. If any of you guys have been in a similiar situation and can offer some words of wisdom, I am all ears. Peace.

Pet Peeve of the Day

Did anyone catch that online article recently titled "Is America ready for a gay 'Idol'?" (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080306/ap_en_mu/gay_idol) As soon as I saw it, I knew I was going to get pissed. Sure enough I did! Just when I think gays have really made some progress in the world, crap stories like that come out to remind us just how many ignorant people there are still out there. American Idol should be just about pure talent. Who the hell cares about the person's sexual orientation?! By the way, there are some very cute guys this season on AI... :)

The Plot Thickens...

I officially (and I do mean officially) found out last Friday night that my cute friend Chris is, as he puts it - "bi-curious." Let me backup and tell the story, which still trips me out even now. Because I am in school part-time now, I often go the gym at strange days and times. So last Friday evening I was at the gym trying to be a good boy and not flake. Chris was there and we hung out and worked out together which was cool as usual. Afterward, we were both hungry, so we went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. Then Chris asked if I wanted to play video games and drink beer at my place. I was cool with that, but I had to buy the beer since Chris is only 18 lol. Anyhow, after playing games for a while and getting a few beers in us, Chris asked if I was dating any girls. I just smiled and said "not lately." Then I got the balls and just told him that I was gay, and just out of a relationship with a guy. He said he kind of suspected I was, but wasn't 100% sure. He told me it was no big deal and that I should have told him earlier. Then I got even more bold with him and said that the reason I didn't mention it was because I had a big crush on him, and didn't want to freak him out. Chris looked at me kind of funny, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. He then asked me why I hadn't told him about the crush. I replied "isn't it obvious? You were under 18 at the time, and you had a girlfriend." He said he understood all that, but he and his girlfriend had broken up. Then he goes on to say how he's been very curious lately about what it would be like to be with a guy. Dayum! He then put his hand on my leg and asked if I would mind if he kissed me. I didn't stop him. Without going into the graphic details, let's just say we both ended naked exploring each other that night. We didn't go all the way, but it was very hot just the same. After our little adventure, he said he really enjoyed it. Chris emphasized that he wasn't gay, just bi maybe. He still liked women, but also found guys attractive. He asked that I keep our little incident on the down low, and that he might be interested in another round some time. I've talked to Chris once since that night, and everything seems cool. I don't know what to think, and never expected my young crush dug me too. Blows the mind...

It's not Friday yet...?

Not a whole lot shaking lately. Pretty much, I've been working and going to school, so that takes up most of my time. I've also been a lot better lately about not staying at home feeling sorry for myself. I have been hanging out with my friends more, which has done a lot to lift my spirits. My online gay buds have been awesome too. When I was going through all my BF drama, I should have leaned on them for support instead of going into hiding. It so amazingly cool that we can all be there for one another. What else? I did have this guy that I was chatting with get all pissy at me. We were talking about what kind of stuff we could do (as friends) if we met up one day. I told him I'd probably be OK going to a gay bar, but that I wasn't really into the gay pride stuff. Not that I am against it or anything, but it's just not my scene. He acted all offended and said that I should accept who I was. WTF!?!? I ended my marriage, came out to everyone in my life, and had a BF, yet I am not accepting myself as gay? I guess to each their own. Maybe I am just an odd gay man because I am not into most of the stereotypical gay scene. I am not attracted to the real flamey or queeny types. I am more into the boy next door type. I know there are more guys like me out there, just finding them near me is the challenge. I've seen Chris at the gym lately, and I swear it seems like he is totally flirting with me. But he is supposedly straight and had a GF. Maybe if I want to find out for sure, I should just grab his crotch and see how he reacts LOL. Until later...

Hump Day

I hope everyone enjoyed their 3-day weekend. Not too much new with here, except for a couple of drama moments. The first incident was that I saw Bobby at the gym on Saturday. Actually it was from across the room, and I know he saw me, but neither of us made an attempt to approach or talk to the other. It was the first time seeing him since the breakup, and was very awkward. I had a knot in my stomach after that. I guess it will take some time, and I should probably get used to running into him from time to time. The other incident came from my Mom. When I had dinner on V-Day with Roxie (my ex), we ran into a family friend of mine. Anyhow this lady told my Mom she saw us together having dinner. So my Mom has this stupid grin on her face when she mentioned it to me on Monday. She didn't say it, but I could totally read her mind. I told her that it wasn't a date, we were just two friend out for dinner, and that we will never get back together in that way. I also casually mentioned that being gay wasn't a passing fancy for me and that she really needs to accept that fact of life. Aye carumba!

So What Are You All Up To Today?

I was just curious to know how you guys, single and taken, plan to spend V-Day? I originally thought I'd be home alone moping around, but I am going to have dinner with a friend...my ex-wife of all people. It's cool because we're good friends again and both single, so why not hang out for some good company? Don't worry, I am not reverting back to my old ways...LOL

Valentine's Day Sucks For Me, But My Eye Candy is Back!

As promised myself, I am back blogging again. Everyday is probably not a realistic goal for me, but once a week, maybe a bit more, seems manageable. It just dawned on me that tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so of course I am dreading the day. I'll get through it I am sure, but it will be a rough day since I didn't even share one Valentine's Day with Bobby :( I thought to myself that maybe I should have done the honesty bit after V-Day so I could have at least had that day with him lol. It seems like people usually break up before this day for some sick reason. On a positive front, my former hot eye candy has started going the gym again, so that at least gives me something nice to look at as I sweat it out. His name is Chris, and I started talking to him last year at the gym. He is a very hot and sweet guy. Did I mention he is HOT! lol Anyhow, I had such a crush on him, but I had a couple strikes against me, so I never made a move. First, at the time, he was 17, so I didn't think the jail bait thing was a good idea. Second, and most sad, he is straight. He has a GF that he talked about, but I thought I got some vibes from him sometimes. Either my gaydar was way off, or it was total wishful thinking on my part. Anyhow, it will be cool to have a friend at the gym, especially a cute one! Besides, I am definitely steering clear of the relationship thing for a while. To all the happy couples out there, have a great day tomorrow!

Still Alive Here

Hey all, I know it's been a long ass time since my last blog entry, but I am still around. I retreated for a while because of a bunch of crap that went down in my personal life. First and foremost, my boyfriend Bobby broke up with me recently. This was my first serious boyfriend since leaving my marriage and coming out openly as gay. Too say I was devastated is an understatement! I thought Bobby was the total package...an amazing friend AND lover. After the breakup, I went into depression mode big time and totally avoided anything that resembled social networking or the dating scene. So what happened? I had kept something from him about my past. Because things were getting serious between us, I felt that I needed to be totally honest as secrets aren't usually a good thing in a relationship. I told him that long before we met, I had contracted and was treated for the STD syphilis. Between the time of my coming out and meeting Bobby, I went through a boy crazy phase with my new found freedom. I am not proud of it, but I had a number of casual encounters with other men. Even though I was a horn dog trying to get as much play as possible, I generally did my best to screen guys and play it safe. There was this one guy that I got with and we were without condoms. He swore he was clean and said I could do him raw, and like an idiot I did. Thinking I was safe, I pulled out before cumming, but that obviously didn't protect me from syphilis. About a couple weeks later, there was a reddish bump on my shaft, and I just knew something wasn't right. I got tested right away and had to wait two weeks for the results...the longest two weeks of my life. When they called and said I had syphilis, my heart sank. I went in the next day for treatment, which was getting a penicillin shot in the ass with a needle so huge, the nurse advised me not to watch. While it sucked getting an STD, it was probably the best thing to happen to me. Definitely a wake up call that I needed to change my lifestyle. I am so grateful that I got an STD that was curable when it could have been so much worse. All of these events happened long before I met Bobby. I debated back and forth about telling him, but in the end, I thought I should be honest about my past. I expected him to be shocked and a little disappointed perhaps, but not to be so upset to end things with us. He basically told me that he never really knew me and that he couldn't be with someone that makes such poor lifestyle choices. OK, what do you say to that? I acknowledged my past stupid mistakes and that I learned from them, but that didn't seem to matter to him. I shared my situation with a select few people, and they all mostly pretty much said that I was right to be honest. A couple people said it wasn't worth the drama since my STD was a thing of the past. But all seem to concur that although Bobby had every right to be saddened, he didn't have to be so self-righteous and judgemental. I don't know, but people screw up sometimes, and as long as they learn from their mistakes, forgiveness and acceptance should always be there. Now if I currently had an STD, was sleeping with Bobby, and didn't tell him, I could see that being unforgivable. Oh well, what's done is done, and I need to move on from here. If kind of feels good to get this all out, so thanks for letting me vent.

-Alex