Still Alive Here

Hey all, I know it's been a long ass time since my last blog entry, but I am still around. I retreated for a while because of a bunch of crap that went down in my personal life. First and foremost, my boyfriend Bobby broke up with me recently. This was my first serious boyfriend since leaving my marriage and coming out openly as gay. Too say I was devastated is an understatement! I thought Bobby was the total package...an amazing friend AND lover. After the breakup, I went into depression mode big time and totally avoided anything that resembled social networking or the dating scene. So what happened? I had kept something from him about my past. Because things were getting serious between us, I felt that I needed to be totally honest as secrets aren't usually a good thing in a relationship. I told him that long before we met, I had contracted and was treated for the STD syphilis. Between the time of my coming out and meeting Bobby, I went through a boy crazy phase with my new found freedom. I am not proud of it, but I had a number of casual encounters with other men. Even though I was a horn dog trying to get as much play as possible, I generally did my best to screen guys and play it safe. There was this one guy that I got with and we were without condoms. He swore he was clean and said I could do him raw, and like an idiot I did. Thinking I was safe, I pulled out before cumming, but that obviously didn't protect me from syphilis. About a couple weeks later, there was a reddish bump on my shaft, and I just knew something wasn't right. I got tested right away and had to wait two weeks for the results...the longest two weeks of my life. When they called and said I had syphilis, my heart sank. I went in the next day for treatment, which was getting a penicillin shot in the ass with a needle so huge, the nurse advised me not to watch. While it sucked getting an STD, it was probably the best thing to happen to me. Definitely a wake up call that I needed to change my lifestyle. I am so grateful that I got an STD that was curable when it could have been so much worse. All of these events happened long before I met Bobby. I debated back and forth about telling him, but in the end, I thought I should be honest about my past. I expected him to be shocked and a little disappointed perhaps, but not to be so upset to end things with us. He basically told me that he never really knew me and that he couldn't be with someone that makes such poor lifestyle choices. OK, what do you say to that? I acknowledged my past stupid mistakes and that I learned from them, but that didn't seem to matter to him. I shared my situation with a select few people, and they all mostly pretty much said that I was right to be honest. A couple people said it wasn't worth the drama since my STD was a thing of the past. But all seem to concur that although Bobby had every right to be saddened, he didn't have to be so self-righteous and judgemental. I don't know, but people screw up sometimes, and as long as they learn from their mistakes, forgiveness and acceptance should always be there. Now if I currently had an STD, was sleeping with Bobby, and didn't tell him, I could see that being unforgivable. Oh well, what's done is done, and I need to move on from here. If kind of feels good to get this all out, so thanks for letting me vent.

-Alex